Panic Attacks and College

I have panic attacks. Sometimes they happen when I'm doing the most mundane thing. For example: I can be doing homework and suddenly it will hit. I will worry about everyone I know, all the homework due, my Capstone project, and everything else I need to do this semester.

It is not a conscious choice. I usually breath heavily, my heart flutters like it wants to stop beating, my vision tunnels, and I need to sit very still. Sometimes I need to lay down, sometimes I need to knit, sometimes I need to sleep. At night, I usually pray as hard as I can until it's gone. That is generally the principle during the day as well.

How do I manage this in class? I start to doodle usually, or I focus on something else. Sometimes it is someone else's conversation, praying for someone elses problems, texting someone if it's before class or after class, or using other distraction techniques. Sometimes I also sit in the bathroom doing deep breathing exercises until it passes.

This semester I've already had 4 panic attacks. I could use prayers and if anyone has any techniques, I would be glad to hear them. 

Why I'm considering a different major

I started questioning if I wanted to be an interpreter this year. I have been in my classes and struggled with them since I got here. I have noticed an early burn out in myself and I am not sure I can handle this major as it stands. Here are some reasons why:

1. I am an introvert and this program chews us up and spits us out.
2. I've been struggling with my mental health since the second semester of my first year when I was sexually harassed. Then I was in a toxic situation with a roommate the next semester that sent me in a downward spiral that I've been struggling to get out of since.
3. I only ever wanted communication. I never wanted anything more than that. Interpreting was other people's dream for me. I convinced myself it was my own.
4. I can still work with Deaf people, I just am not sure this major is right for me.
5. I can't afford college.

The ones that have affected me the most are numbers 1, 2, and 3. The last two are important, but not as important as the first three. The hardest part about this will be telling my dad. My dad is my hero, I respect him. But the problem is, he tends to take things too personally. So, I already told my mom. She supports me in whatever I do. I am writing a letter to my dad because that's easier for him to read through. Sometimes certain tones or looks makes him feel challenged even though that's not what my intent is. Letters are easier and less intimidating.

I know I'm about to be the biggest disappointment there is. But I guess my therapist can hear all about it while I'm still here. 

Anyone ever feel like they're being used?

I think everyone has that one friend in college. They always want rides, depend on you too heavily, are always asking to hang out. I never liked being that friend, at one point in my life I probably was. I felt like I was anyway, my friends always told me I wasn't a bother. (I think I only asked for rides a few times, I usually liked to try and figure it out on my own.)

Well, currently I have a friend like this. She is always wanting rides from me, companionship, or affirmation. I didn't realize, when getting into this friendship, that I'd end up being her only source of friendship. I've encouraged interaction beyond me, but she doesn't seem to understand that I really am not required to help her.

If I decide to refuse to give her a ride somewhere or make her take the bus, she becomes agitated. Thankfully I don't live with her. She has also been open with the fact that she gossips about me to her friends. She usually uses cuss words to describe my behavior, even though I RARELY refuse to help her. The only time she "accepts" it is if I'm sick.

I can't think of a graceful way to end this friendship. We are in 90% of the same classes. I am trying to find sections of classes I need that are separate from hers so I don't need to deal with her 24/7.

I do feel like I'm being used. I know if I told her she'd find a way to turn it back on me. So, I've decided to remain quiet. I've given rides to other friends before and they've always been nice about it. Even if I need to back out, I tell them hours beforehand so they can find another ride. I've even negotiated rides with other people just so they wouldn't be left without help.

This friend says things then, "I'm joking". I have a feeling I accidentally placed myself in the hands of a bully and I can't get myself out of it. It's a super weird position to be in. 

ASLIE programs and new hidden illnesses.

I would like to discuss how some teachers in an interpreting program handle new illnesses.

(As a disclaimer: I'm aware having a doctors note is the standard for missing class. However, when it is a new illness and you have an appointment with a specialist, that should count in place of a note.)

Most of my teachers have been good when it comes to sickness. When I do get sick, I provide a note if it's bad enough that I can't come to class, but can see a doctor. However, I have had an stomach ailment for about 3 months now. I went to the doctor when it started (stomach pain, vomiting, frequent trips to the bathroom) and they thought it was appendicitis or gallbladder. They did not find anything, so I was given pro-biotics and sent home. The pro-biotics did not help.

So, I went to the doctor again and they gave me a referral to the gastroenterologist. I will be seeing them next month. Last time I went to the doctor, they told me it was a stomach flu. The lady told me this after she reviewed everything, then told me it should only last about a week.

She ignored the fact I had this for over 2 months. So, this all leads up to my point: I currently have a hidden illness that doctors can't really pinpoint. Does that mean its fake? No. I can bring a sample of my stool if that's really what they want. I recently had to miss my ASL class which is in the morning. I have only missed once and I provided a note. The teacher acted annoyed that I missed her class and reminded me of a need for a note if I want it to be excused. Which is logical, however, if I go to the doctor, what are they going to tell me? That I have had the stomach flu for 3 months? That I need to go on the BRAT diet? (Bananas, rice, (a?), Toast) Which I have done off and on, but you can't really survive off of that forever.

I have a class tonight where attendance is required. Healing my body throughout the day is necessary so I can do that.

How can I let a teacher know at the beginning of the semester that I have a problem, if even the doctors don't know what it is?