Panic Attacks and College

I have panic attacks. Sometimes they happen when I'm doing the most mundane thing. For example: I can be doing homework and suddenly it will hit. I will worry about everyone I know, all the homework due, my Capstone project, and everything else I need to do this semester.

It is not a conscious choice. I usually breath heavily, my heart flutters like it wants to stop beating, my vision tunnels, and I need to sit very still. Sometimes I need to lay down, sometimes I need to knit, sometimes I need to sleep. At night, I usually pray as hard as I can until it's gone. That is generally the principle during the day as well.

How do I manage this in class? I start to doodle usually, or I focus on something else. Sometimes it is someone else's conversation, praying for someone elses problems, texting someone if it's before class or after class, or using other distraction techniques. Sometimes I also sit in the bathroom doing deep breathing exercises until it passes.

This semester I've already had 4 panic attacks. I could use prayers and if anyone has any techniques, I would be glad to hear them. 

Why I'm considering a different major

I started questioning if I wanted to be an interpreter this year. I have been in my classes and struggled with them since I got here. I have noticed an early burn out in myself and I am not sure I can handle this major as it stands. Here are some reasons why:

1. I am an introvert and this program chews us up and spits us out.
2. I've been struggling with my mental health since the second semester of my first year when I was sexually harassed. Then I was in a toxic situation with a roommate the next semester that sent me in a downward spiral that I've been struggling to get out of since.
3. I only ever wanted communication. I never wanted anything more than that. Interpreting was other people's dream for me. I convinced myself it was my own.
4. I can still work with Deaf people, I just am not sure this major is right for me.
5. I can't afford college.

The ones that have affected me the most are numbers 1, 2, and 3. The last two are important, but not as important as the first three. The hardest part about this will be telling my dad. My dad is my hero, I respect him. But the problem is, he tends to take things too personally. So, I already told my mom. She supports me in whatever I do. I am writing a letter to my dad because that's easier for him to read through. Sometimes certain tones or looks makes him feel challenged even though that's not what my intent is. Letters are easier and less intimidating.

I know I'm about to be the biggest disappointment there is. But I guess my therapist can hear all about it while I'm still here. 

My lisp and how it effects my classwork

If I'm honest this bothers me more than it should. I have a lisp that will sometimes manifest itself under times of extreme stress. I had an exam for my Interpreting class and got my grade back this weekend. One of the feedbacks I got was that sometimes my speech was unclear. This was after I explained what probably happened in my analysis. I can pinpoint exactly where my speech was unclear because I could hear my lisp. 

To be clear, I got a 57 on the test and now have a failing grade in the class. We have 3 tests that are weighted very heavily. Most of my failing grade is because of production and not because of information missed. I got 80-90% of the information but my production wasn't the best. I spoke to fast and my lisp returned with a vengeance. 

I saw this grade this morning right before my ASL class. I was completely off, so much so that even the people I didn't know that well noticed. My teacher was also unusually gentle with me. I was extremely fragile at that moment. If she had been unkind I probably would've burst into tears. I also haven't felt well in almost a week.

So, today I called off work and my final class of the day. I went back to my grandfather's house, climbed into bed, and slept for 7 hours. I allowed my depression to take control momentarily and slept like the dead. My stomach is still achy, but my emotions are in slightly better shape than they were earlier. 

I also met with my advisor today and discussed a leave of absence. With my stomach issues and continuing medical problems, it may end up being a necessity. I'm just hoping I can even finish school. I've spent too long getting to this point and don't want to fail now.